Gossip Girl Episode 17 "Woman On The Verge" - A Review - by F

This episode was…disappointing. Key word for this review: inconsistent. It’s exactly the same thing as we saw with episodes 14 (The Blair Bitch Project) and 15 (Desperately Seeking Serena), where there was a great cliff-hanger ending, but the next episode just didn’t follow through as well as it should have – there are few things worse than a GG let-down. Here we had the well-executed “I killed someone” confession from Serena at the end of episode 16 (All About My Brother), but this episode we found out that she didn’t really kill anyone at all. As I correctly hypothesised in my previous post, the guy on the ‘sex-tape’ OD-ed on some coke; you’d think that I’d get bored with being right all the time. But…you’d be wrong. So how was Serena involved in the guy’s death? She suggested that perhaps instead of them ‘getting it on’ he should have a line or two of coke, which he did. However, why the hell would Serena blame herself for his death? Especially as we find out that the drugs were his and he was a long-time addict. He would have just taken them himself anyways. Plus, whilst G fled the scene, S stayed and called 911. Serena didn’t even participate in the making of the sex-tape. It’s just a lame-ass cop-out by lazy, inconsistent writers, and the ending of ‘Desperately Seeking Serena’ seems to have been concocted simply for shock value, and probably ratings. After last week’s episode I said my confidence in the GG writer’s was back to its usual high level. But after this week’s episode I’m afraid my relationship with the GG writers is back to square one. Why must they insist on making me look like such an inconsistent boob on my own blog?

Also on a lot of blogs/discussion forums I have noticed that the turn of phrase ‘made of win’ or simply ‘win’ is becoming more and more common. And in light of this, I shall myself begin using these – I’m trendy and ‘with it’.

I need some cheering up, so I’m gonna start with the good stuff.

The ‘Good-stuff’:

1. Chuck! Oh Chuck, how I’ve missed you! This episode he looked irritated throughout, with his eyes even more squinty than usual, and his voice even lower and snarlier. He did, however, have some of the best quotes of the episode – as per usual – and was just generally awesome. One thing we find out is that he lost his virginity to Georgina in 6th grade. And what does he have say about her? It’s definitely not that she was attentive, gentle and tender: “I’ve been avoiding her ever since, the bitch is a psycho.” Which I think prompts the following questions; what exactly did she do to Chuck when it was his first time landing his Martian probe on Venus? And, is this why Chuck is so effed up when it comes to sex? Speaking of sex, how awesome was the constant ‘eye sex’ between Blair and Chuck – finally some Waldass action that I can use to get excited sexually. Others use porn, I use this. I like to think of it as the thinking man/woman’s porn. I also like to think that scheming for them is like foreplay, sexy, sexy foreplay. I’m not ashamed to admit that I would like to join them for a session. Or would I? Maybe a third person would ruin the dynamic. Yes, I think it would be better if I just sat and watched as they…schemed. More on this later.

Also, hands up if you totally loved how Chuck just stood and watched as Blair undressed a hung-over and distressed Serena. I don’t understand how he gets away with being such an outrageous perv, but he does, and he does it in smouldering style. In fact here’s the scene with pictures, for your viewing pleasure:

"Chuck watches Blair undress Serena like a Class A perv. Nate realises this and closes the door, all the while glaring at Chuck.
Chuck: Just like old times.
Nate: Y’know why do I get the feeling you’re actually enjoying this?
We hear Serena hurling.
Chuck: Call me sentimental."

Ahhhh, he’s a sentimental perv. That’s nice.

Another awesome bit was when S told Dan she had cheated on him. On my second viewing of the episode I noticed Chuck’s facial expressions, which are absolutely hilarious and I think give some light relief to an otherwise heavy scene. I believe the pictures speak for themselves:

I’m also starting to think there’s a lot of sexual tension between Chuck and Dan. Dan’s clearly hot for Chuck. Who wouldn’t be? He’s always making these intense eyes at Chuck, which, at the start of the series, I thought were due to the whole Chuck trying to rape Jenny deal. But now I’m pretty much certain it’s more than that. I’m guessing that maybe Schwartz-y will resort to making use of this ‘tension’ when he begins to run low on ‘shocking’ new twists. When is this gonna happen? I’m putting money on the second half of season 2. Here’s an awesome Dan/Chuck scene, and please note how smexy Chuck looks as he glares back at Dan:

"Dan: Her bed hasn’t been slept in.
Chuck: Well I knew housekeeping was hiring, but I had no idea their standards were so low.
Dan: I hate that I have to ask you this, but have you seen Serena?
Chuck: Oh, I’ve seen lots of Serena.
Dan looks slightly worried, and Chuck’s phone rings. Chuck answers, and it’s Blair.
Chuck: Are you drunk dialling again? No. Serena didn’t come home last night. Thought she was with you.
Dan follows Chuck. Chuck stops at the door, glares at Dan, and then closes the door in Dan’s face."

On a final Chuck note, how classy was he discreetly handing Lily the address at the rehearsal dinner and then helping her put her jacket on. Chuck’s a pretty classy guy. Also, I love how Lily calls him Charles. Yes, Charles is a pretty classy guy.

2. Dorota. I just think she’s awesome and wanted to give her a quick shout out. Yes she grassed up Serena, but she really does seem to care. One day I hope I’ll be able to have a Dorota all of my own. Except I'll call her Jeeves, oh and she'll be a monkey.

3. Vanessa. I felt that Vanessa redeemed herself somewhat when standing up to Georgina. However, I did not appreciate her rudeness to Blair and Chuck: “Some date we’ve got here. You even brought your friends…the ones I can’t stand.” Shut up V, if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be able to pay the rent, remember? How easily the poor like to forget.

4. X-men: The Upper East Side Edition. I thought it was awesome how Blair, Nate, and even Chuck banded together, despite their differences, to deal with a ‘fallen’ Serena. I mean I’m not really sure why Nate was invited along - he’s hardly a nefarious mastermind - but I’m guessing it was to add to the prettiness. And who am I to complain? As for Blair and Chuck, they’re like Jean Grey and Wolverine aka MADE OF WIN. Awesome UES X-men, part one:

"Dan: Don’t all of you hate each other?
In perfect unison: Blair: Yes. Chuck: No. Nate: Absolutely."

And then they all team up against Dan and use their super powers to block him from seeing Serena:

And if you've watched this scene, I hope that you too noticed that Blair was about to touch Chuck, but moved her hand away at the last moment. Nice touch Leighton, nice touch. Awesome UES X-men, part two:

"Nate: She’s right Serena, I mean none of us are saints.
Blair: Yeah, I had sex with him (Blair gestures at Chuck) in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you (looks at Serena) at a wedding when I was her (looks at Blair) date. (Looks at Chuck) Once.
Blair also looks at Chuck as if awaiting some kind of explanation for his behaviour.
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass."

Damn straight you are, damn straight. I just love how the whole scene builds up to those 3 simple words, I'm Chuck Bass. WIN x100000000.

Later on there is some of the aforementioned Waldass 'eye-sex':

"Chuck: What’s gotten into you?
Blair: What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?
Chuck: I’d say let’s get the bitch.
Gossip Girl: Spotted Blair and Chuck reunited to defend Serena’s honour. With friends like these, who needs armies?"

Right on Gossip Girl, right on. It really does seem a little wrong how turned on I am after looking at these pictures - I'll be sure to mention it to my therapist. I also love this scene, especially Serena's little smile to show that she knows exactly why Blair is there:

"Blair: (to Vanessa) Where’s Georgina?
Nate: What are you gonna do? You heard what Serena said.
Chuck: Yeah, like we care.
Vanessa: Georgina left.
Blair: Left for where?
Vanessa: I dunno, she just took off. If I could only find Dan, he’s around here somewhere.
Nate: Well let’s got look for him, alone.
Awkward Waldass moment.
Serena and Blair: Hey what are you doing here?
Blair: (stutters) I’m a big leaky hawk fan.
Serena smiles knowingly.
Serena: I’m looking for Dan and Georgina.
Chuck: You’re out of luck, Georgina’s gone.
Serena: And Dan?
Chuck: I’m out of luck, he’s still around."

Win, win, win.

5. Well done Rufus, well done. Rufus, I applaud thee. You pleased me in this episode, and not just ‘down there’. No, Rufus you finally said that special ‘something’ to Dan, something that I’ve been waiting for someone to inform Dan of since I began watching the series:

“And I don’t know if you know this, but you can be a pretty judgmental guy.”

Give yourself a pat on the back Rufus, from me…and with love. Although, Rufus - and I don’t mean to sound pernickety - but I think that perhaps you should’ve substituted the word ‘pretty’ for ‘annoyingly’ or ‘irritatingly’ or ‘exasperatingly’ or perhaps ‘tiresomely’. Just a suggestion, I’m here to help.

6. Nanessa? Vate? They didn’t really have much of a role to play in this episode, but I still thought they were kinda sweet together. Nate seems to put up with Vanessa’s attitude problem with good humour, and Vanessa seems pleased by Nate and his prettiness – who wouldn’t be? And I like them together, I really do. However, I’m starting to see them as being more like friends, and can’t really imagine them ‘doing’ anything together, if you understand my meaning. This is a problem for me, but we’ll see how it goes in the season finale.

7. Lufus? Rily? I thought the bit where Lily was interviewed was sweet, although the interviewer was rather intrusive and rude, and looked like an alien. But ET did manage to get Lily to admit that she wasn’t in love with him (aka Rufus)… that much. Translation: I was madly, deeply in love with him, and still am. Also as horrendously tacky the whole Rufus singing to Lily and then running after her scene was I found it enjoyable, and the smooch at the end was the sweet, sweet red cherry on top. In the words of the great Quagmire: diggity-diggity.

8. Jenny-less. This episode had no Jenny and this pleased me. I have enjoyed Jenny's storylines, but it was nice to have a break and focus a bit more on the other characters.

The 'Bad-stuff':

1. One angry mofo: Nate. Throughout the episode Nate is cross with Blair, and in particular Chuck, and I’m struggling to understand why. I mean when it comes to Blair he really doesn’t have any reason to be mad at her, after all Blair slept with Chuck after she had broken up with Nate. Yes, she did fake her virginity for Nate, but Nate’s hardly been the perfect gentleman what with the sleeping with Serena whilst he was with Blair, and then using Blair for his own family’s benefit, amongst a multitude of other sins. So I really don’t get Nate’s beef with Blair. I understand the angry glances towards Chuck a little better I guess; Chuck did manipulate and lie to Nate for his own selfish reasons. But once again, Chuck never slept with Blair when she and Nate were still going out, and what Nate did with Serena was really far worse. Nate just needs to chillax and stop being so effing angst-y.

2. Serena=about as useful as Lynn Spears’ parenting book. I know I keep complaining about Serena’s behaviour, but I would like to reinforce the fact that I honestly do quite like her. However…Serena is one of the most incapable human beings on earth…ever. I’m surprised she’s able to dress herself in the morning without having some kind of nervous breakdown and then calling Chuck to keep her calm whilst a maid helps her out. She really doesn’t appear to be able to deal with anything on her own. Thank God she has friends like Blair, Nate and Chuck who will always stand by her. Hang on, why exactly are they standing by her? S has basically deserted B for the past few episodes, even though she promised B that if she remained in New York instead of going to France she would be there for her. As for Nate, he and Serena don’t seem to have much contact. And then there’s Chuck. It seems the more helpful and supportive he is, the ruder Serena is to him. I think that’s part of the reason Chuck’s so peeved for most of this episode, plus S’s constant lack of gumption and inability to handle things are starting to grate on him. As they would anybody.

But back to Serena. When confronted by Dan about the events of the prior night Serena admits that she cheated on Dan. Except that she didn’t. She then justifies this lie to Blair, Nate and Chuck by saying that she thought that it would be better if Dan thought she had cheated on him than to know what she really did. Serena, Serena, Serena, dear, stupid Serena. Repeat after me: I am a moron, I did not kill anyone, and from now on I will not confess to cheating on someone, unless I have actually cheated on them. I just don't understand her logic at all, and I'm starting to think that she may just be plain dumb. And I don't like dumb characters, they annoy me. Unless it's like Joey, where pretty much all the jokes are based around his low IQ and insatiable sex drive.

3. Lily. As much as I loved Lily this episode I didn’t get why she accused Blair of being one of the reasons that she was going to send Serena away. It made me angry, mainly cos Blair’s so effing awesome and protective of Serena. Additionally, the bit where Lily takes Serena to the home of the guy who overdosed (Pete) so that S can have a talk with his parents seemed extremely rushed and awkward. In fact, the pacing of this whole episode seemed rushed. Bad, bad writing. Naughty, naughty writers.

4. Dan, you moron. You stupid, stupid moron. Dan falls for G's obviously made-up story about why people keep shouting Georgina at her. In fact, let's just recap her story and see whether I'm maybe being a bit too harsh on Dan. Here goes: you see with her ex-boyfriend, things got a bit out of control. Her car was broken into, a week later her room was trashed. Understandably she got a little scared, moved in with a friend, changed all her numbers, and yet he still tracked her down. That pesky, pesky, deranged ex-boyfriend. So, there was only one thing left to do, because for some reason she couldn’t just call the police. No desperate times call for extreme measures, so poor old G had to leave town and change her name to Sarah.

Oh yep, yep that makes sense, and is a totally reasonable and believable explanation. The police wouldn't have been able to deal with a problem like this, they're probably just as incapable in life as Serena. One love-crazed teenager is just too much for them. Dear God Dan, wake up and smell the sociopath! Game, set and match.

The 'Random-stuff':

1. Now for some more Chuck quotes:

When Nate and Chuck arrive at Blair's without any understanding of why Blair's called them there:

"Maybe this is Blair’s idea of a perverse double date."

Chuck comes bearing gifts:
"So we have every hang over cure known to man. Plus bagels, which should help soak up the alcohol and whatever else she took."

Ok, so there are only 2 quotes that haven't been used in the rest of this review, um how abouts an awesome Blair one:

To Serena when they are trying to convince her to spill the beans:
"We're the non-judging breakfast club."

MADE OF WIN.

2. Chuck's outfits. Or should I say outfit? Chuck wears a tux, and we've all seen that before so really there's only one new outfit, and it's this one:
I love the touch of the red socks, and matching hat. In fact, the man looks like Rupert the bear minus the red top, and for comparison's sake:

3. Schwartzy: Call-me. The promoters of the show are always going on about how Gossip Girl is revolutionising how we are watching Tv. You know, it’s being downloaded from itunes, watched from streaming websites, illegally shared…etc. I’ve already discussed - in a previous post - their failure to market the show online, but now to another complaint – I’m an angry and abusive person. They apparently have not looked at any of the numerous fan sites or discussion forums dedicated to GG, which can be found on this amazing technological gateway called ‘The Internet’. Maybe the producers should become acquainted with it because if they had bothered to look they would know that:

1. Waldass is by far the most popular couple. Yet so far, post-writer’s strike, there has been negligible Waldass action.
2. In general, people want less screentime with Dan and Jenny, and more with Nate, Blair, Chuck…etc.
3. The new time slot for GG (Mondays @ 8pm) is not a good time spot for many fans of the show. As for those less loyal GG spectators, they’ll usually opt for ‘Greek’ which is on at the same time – you don’t need to be a genius to figure out changing the time slot & putting the show in competition with another uber-popular show is not gonna be good for ratings.
4. A lot of people miss being able to stream GG from the CWTV website. To stop this was not a clever move. Now, I’m not going to name any names (*cough*Dawn Ostroff*cough*) but CWTV needs to get a clue about...everything. What use is all the promotion if in the end no-one is able to watch it?

Look, it seems like the GG team is having some issues with the marketing, writing…etc of GG, and I’d only be too happy to help. I don’t mean to sound arrogant but you’d be getting one of the best talents in the industry – talent like mine doesn’t grow on trees; it’s coveted and rare. How rare is my talent? Even more rare than crotch shots of Lindsay Lohan where she’s wearing panties. Perhaps even more rare than snaps of a sober Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty. That’s how rare my talent is, and in view of my analogies it’s clear to see that it’s something pretty special. All I ask in return for my services is a 6-figure salary and a night with Chace and Ed – and I’m not just talking about partying it up with them in New York. I think we can all agree that’s more than a fair deal.

4. Chuck Bass vs Ed Westwick. I love Chuck Bass, and I do my utmost to keep him separate from Ed Westwick. It’s not that I dislike Ed, he seems like an ok dude and is super-talented, it’s just that in my effed-up mind Chuck is basically real, and I’d like to keep it that way. Why? Because my mind is the one place where I’m never disappointed when it comes to fantasies. Also I have a problem with Ed. On GG I think Chuck looks pretty effing hot most of the time. There are moments where I’ll look at him and go, “What the eff just happened to Chuck’s face?” but on the whole I’m more like, “You can borrow my hand towels any time Chuck.” However, with Ed it’s different. The man has his unbelievably hot moments, i.e.:

I’d pay for that and sometimes I like to imagine that the reason for his facial expression in the second before last picture is because he's just seen me walk in, and is obviously blown away. Also, judging by the photo where Ed's holding up the T-shirt, we have a lot in common. But Ed also has these moments:

Yes, I realise I’ve just posted pictures of Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Monroe, Johnny Depp, Monica Bellucci and Natalie Portman. Why? Because I wish to keep my blog aesthetically pleasing – and yes I am somewhat shallow. But if you would like to see some…well…fug pics of Ed I’m sure you can find them yourselves online. As the great Denny Crane once said, “I like pretty people.”

Let me assure you, I’m not saying I wouldn’t liked to be ‘Westwicked’ because he’s famous-ish, has sexy mannerisms, is in a pretty decent band, and is a damned good actor, but the fact that his hotness changes so much is crazy making and confusing. His looks are inconsistent and I simply can’t take it, the worst part being that I know he is in fact extremely good-looking. And I know I said I like to keep him and Chuck separate, but when he looks weird it somehow reflects badly on Chuck. Look I care about 3 things Reader-niel; money, the pleasures money brings me, and Chuck Bass (and you?). So when someone threatens my love and admiration for the latter I get angry. And you don’t want to see me when I’m angry. It involves me turning green, developing hugely oversized muscles and veins, and my eyes turning a reddish colour. Suffice to say, it’s not pretty.

PS: This 'win'/'made of win' thing just hasn't worked out for me, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm using it the right way. I think, for now at least, I'm gonna have to call it a day when it comes to trendy new 'internet speak'.